Will you look at this dog? Eating food from my island counter? WTF?
I have had this dog a long 10 years. She is a big pain in my ass. I will never get another dog again (I can feel all of your glares, animal lovers). It is not that I don’t like animals. I actually really love animals, I just do not want them shedding and giving me more work in my house when I have four small children. I like animals in other people’s homes.
So, this dog of mine hasn’t always been a counter grazer. This bad habit began somewhere around the time of the birth of the triplets. This most annoying habit began, most likely, because the mangy mutt saw that I didn’t have the time or energy to beat her or seriously reprimand her for her very tacky behavior.
So what she does is circle the kitchen like a great white shark. When she sees us leave, if there is any food remaining on the kitchen table or counters, she stretches her front paws up and clears all the plates.
One time I made a banana bread and left it on the bread board and she ate the whole thing. WTF.
So, the crime is bad for three reasons:
1. We get our food eaten by a dog all the time
2. When she eats it she drags it onto my carpet and makes a huge mess
3. She later throws up on my carpet this neon yellow barf that won’t come out so I have to pay carpet cleaners to come take care of it.
As I am typing this, I just looked over and saw a plate face down on my carpet. Hmmmm, what was that I wonder? It couldn’t be the sausage from breakfast could it since I put it way back against the wall where I thought she couldn’t reach it? Oh yes, it was. Her reach and flexibility are getting better, either because of all the practice she gets in food thievery, or maybe she is doing doggie yoga in her spare time.
My dog’s counter grazing is so bad that the kids, who often start eating and then realize they all have to go to the bathroom at the same time, worry about their food when they are gone. “Mommy, will you watch my food so Sage doesn’t eat it?” they always ask me when they leave the table.
Her other bad qualities are that she beats up other dogs, sneaks out my front door when anyone is trying to get in or out of my house and then doesn’t come back when I call her, and tries to sleep on my furniture when we are not home.
Does anybody need a wonderful dog? Seriously, let me know.
Until next time, the mothership is signing off.